You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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