Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
