It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was born a porn star she said
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
