The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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