Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
