it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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