Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
