I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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