She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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