if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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