worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
