I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
