Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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