last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Randomize
