i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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