Betty ford says i'm here all night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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