i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
