I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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