hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
