We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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