hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
