it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
