Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
