I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
