hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
