I have demons in me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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