Umm I'm too high to move.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
