Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
