i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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