Whod you bang
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
