Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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