Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
