I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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