just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
