i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
