You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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