if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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