well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
