I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
