I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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