I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
