I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
