I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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