my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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