Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
