She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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