Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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