Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
