Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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