god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
