I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
