Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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