If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
