Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
please come you make the beer taste better
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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