just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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