this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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