Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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